Tactfully Speaking: 5 Steps To A Meaningful Conversation

Several months back I had a painful conversation with someone for about ten minutes. I knew this man could tend to be abrasive in his speech and personality, so I braced myself emotionally before we started chatting. Despite my greatest efforts, I left the conversation defensive and frustrated. Over the years I know people have talked to him about how he comes across. Yet there we were and I was still having to emotionally recover after just a brief interaction.

Admittedly, that is a drastic example of someone who has little to no tact; but it takes only ONE sentence to put others on the defensive and end the potential for a meaningful connect.

The word 'tactful' can be defined as "having or showing a sense of what is fitting and considerate in dealing with others". Here is what I've discovered about tactfulness. It is a godly trait than can be learned. Scriptures exhort us to be careful in our speech over and over again. Here are just a few examples:

• A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

• Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29

• Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. Colossians 4:6

So in the next few posts I'd like to lay out a few pointers I've learned about being tactful. This list isn't all inclusive, but it certainly is a great place to start. I'll start with five important parts of a meaningful conversation.

5 Steps To A Meaningful Conversation

• Listen.
  OK. So that's not officially a way to talk, but it certainly is an important step in setting the foundation for when you do {talk}. Focus on what the other person is saying and stop your brain from coming up with the reasons why they are wrong or what you will say next.

• Clarify.
  A tactful response is an informed response. According to Proverbs 29:20, only a fool spouts what he thinks before fully understanding what is at stake. Take the time to understand what's being said BEFORE you share your own thoughts, ideas, or opinions. Here are two ways you can effectively clarify: (1)Ask clarifying questions. (2)Repeat back what was said in your own words.

• Think.
  That seems obvious. It's not. Too often we speak before we think. I have fallen into this trap more times than I can remember. Take the time to think through (a.)what has been said, (b.)what you think, and (c.)what you will say before you open your mouth to talk. Better an awkward silence than the alternative! 

• Speak.
  Finally, you can have your say and speak your mind. But remember to be tactful in what you say and how you say it. I will talk more about how to be tactful in your response in my next post.

• Ask.
  And you thought you were finished after saying what you think! Nope. Your final step is to ask a question. This is very important and is your 'best friend' in the whole process. By asking the right questions you can ensure that your listener(s) are also following the same process as you. In particular, they are listening, clarifying, and thinking. Here are a couple of examples of questions you can ask:
  
  "Does what I am saying make sense to you?"
  
  "Thoughts?"
  
  "Questions?"
  
  "What do you think?"
  
  "Could you repeat back to me what you heard me say? I'm not sure I communicated it well or not."

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• What Did You Say?
• Practice Out Loud.
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• Thursday Quote: Communicating For A Change

Image from SensorSpot on istockphoto.com

Thursday Quote: Unleashing The Power of Rubber Bands

One of the qualities I believe a true leader must possess is courage. I'll be honest, sometimes I think I'm quite the wimp, but I know I'm growing and I've faced enough difficult choices over the years to understand that doing the right thing can be really, really hard. In particular, it takes courage to confront someone who doesn't fit. 

In this week's Thursday Quote I thought I'd share a little excerpt from Nancy Ortberg's book, Unleashing the Power of Rubber Bands: Lessons in Non-Linear Leadership. This very easy to read book is a great addition to the leaders library and offers many great reminders and lessons on leadership; but what makes the book real outstanding is some of the great stories and examples in nearly every chapter. I recommend it. Check this out:

There is a big difference between a bad fit and a bad person. Leadership is about having the courage to make that distinction. Too often, we hide behind the belief that someone is a bad person, when the reality is, he or she is simply a bad fit. Many organizations and certainly many churches have allowed people to remain in positions (paid or volunteer) for which they are poorly suited. Everyone suffers when that happens.

The organization suffers. When someone is in the wrong position; vision, strategy, and results usually suffer. The church or the ministry department or the business fails to live up to it's God-given potential. The organization is crippled in its efforts to be all that it could be. That is not God's design for a church or an organization.

Individuals suffer. When a person is not well suited to his or her role, the people who work with and for that person inevitably languish in some regard. They either fail to get the support, recognition, or resources they need to do their jobs, or they are neglected in areas of discipleship and growth.

It is one of the fundamental jobs of a leader to make sure that the right people are in the right positions in an organization. Leaders who take action and initiative to make sure this is the case engender trust. Those who don't, cultivate cynicism and mistrust.

 To learn more about this book or order it through my Amazon
Affiliate's bookstore, click this link.

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• Leaders Are Readers
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• Thursday Quote: Exponential - Five Steps of Leadership
• The Systems/People Matrix
  

Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Johari Window for the Christian Leader

Back in 1955 a couple of men came up with this great model to help people discuss various aspects of self-awareness. The word 'JoHari' is a combination of the two people's first names (Joseph & Harry). In the Johari Window you see four quadrants expressing personal knowledge or lack of knowledge regarding various character traits, weaknesses, etc.

In summary:

• Arena: Known to self and others. This is what we usually communicate to others or is obvious to nearly everyone. It may be something physical, like a blemish or your weight; or it could include things like your education, number of children in your family, a hobby or your job.

• Facade: Known to self, but unknown to others. This is what we conceal from others. Sometimes there is a good reason for holding something back, e.g. gossiping. At other times it may include information you know would not be appropriate to share, e.g. a special moment with a spouse or with the Lord. The rest of the time this quadrant will include secrets - most of which we are embarrassed or afraid to share with others.

• Blind Spot: Unknown to self, but known to others. This is where our ignorance can truly hurt us. Others see a weakness, flaw, or even a strength and assume you already know about it or choose not to tell you. You're left in the dark and don't even know it. For example, perhaps you tend to have strong B.O., often seem angry, rarely smile, or just can't preach (wait, I meant 'sing'). On the positive side, it's very possible others see a gift in you that would be great to strengthen and develop, but nobody ever says anything, e.g. hospitality. Of course, Blind Spot's could also run much deeper and darker as well. This is where people have bought into lies earlier in life that they are completely unaware of. They may include pride, insecurity, an addiction, stubbornness, insensitivity, and more.

• Unknown: Unknown to neither self not others. This final quadrant is disclosed to God alone. It will include the inner workings of your life, personality, character, history, sin nature, etc. that may never fully be disclosed. On the other hand, it's possible God is waiting for the opportune time to reveal an Unknown strength or weakness. David's prayers were often requests for God to reveal the unknown to him, like in Psalm 139: 23-24.

If this is your first time seeing this matrix, I know what you're thinking. "I can't wait to teach this on a Sunday morning!" or "I should share this with {fill in the blank} - since they have so many blind spots!"

Let's hold the phone for a while. I'd like to pose a question to YOU first. Here it is.

What are you doing to shrink the "Blind Spot" quadrant in your life?

It's folly to assume that we don't have blind spots. There are many Proverbs that remind us to remain humble before both God and man. For example, "He who trusts in himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe." Pr. 28:26, "Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise." Pr. 19:20, and "rebuke a discerning man, and he will gain knowledge." Pr. 19:25.

There's an age-old way for you to begin shrinking that window in your life; but it takes great courage to do it. Find some trusted people and ask them to share what they know or think about you. I'm not just talking about your best friend. Select several people who see you in different venues and who you trust implicitly to be open, honest, and loving with you. 

You might think the courageous part is sitting them down to ask them self-disclosing questions, but the really brave moment is when they begin telling you what you don't know. That is the moment of truth. It's the moment when you choose between foolishness or wisdom. I have one word of advice. Assume they are telling you the truth. To do otherwise is to be presumptuous - and dishonoring to them. After all, how can you judge if they are right if it's a blind spot? At the very least, admit that their commentary about you reflects a real perception, if not reality. 

Here are a few questions you might consider asking to get the ball rolling:

• What do you view as my primary strengths?

• What do you consider to be my primary weaknesses?

• Do I seem approachable to you?

• Do you think people are afraid to confront me about anything?

• Is there anything you notice in my personal life/family that concerns you?

• Have you ever been aware of an 'elephant in the room' when I have been leading meetings or sharing a sermon? 

• On a scale of 1 - 10, how would you rate my effectiveness as a communicator?

• If I hired you as a personal life coach, what would you want us to work on first in my life?

• Is it possible that I believe I'm good at something that others probably wouldn't necessarily agree with?

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Why Core Values?

You will never see my wife or I watching the nightly news, select sit-coms, or murder mystery's on TV at night with one of my preschool children present in the room. It's simply not something we have ever done. Becky and I have chosen this standard together. It wasn't hard. It's one of the family values we share. I'm glad for this value, and will always stand by it for my family. I won't impose that value on other families, though I may share why we have this value in the hopes that others might adopt it too. This value is part of our family DNA and shapes who we are and what we do in our home.

In the same way, churches have values. They may or may not be well defined, but they are there and they make a huge difference in how ministry happens.

I'm helping three churches develop their ministry core values. In one of our discussions, the question came up, "Why do we need core values?".  I'm convinced that if a church defines their core values, and lives by them, they will serve as both a protection and a guide to church leaders in fulfilling their mission.

Here's Why:

• D.N.A.
  Everyone knows that here are no two people exactly alike. Even identical twins are overwhelmingly unique from one another. The same is true for every church in the world. The mixture of leadership, people, culture, values, experiences, etc. ensure that there will never be another church like it. Identifying values helps to clarify for church leaders as well as attendees and guests just WHO you are. For example, a church with a core value of "Family Friendly" will not only attract families, but clarify to all that this is part of who God made this church to be.

• G.P.S.
  There are many paths that can get you to where you want to go, but not every path is the best or right path. While driving, you may prefer to stay away from toll roads or highways. Most GPS units will allow you to program that information in. As a result, the path (or strategic plan) created for you  will stick to those preferences. Additionally, when a roadblock forces you to detour, your GPS will recalculate keeping your programmed preferences. In the same way, core values ensure you don't stray from 'who you are' while fulfilling ministry. For example, let's say you've identified a value of 'Accepting' - meaning you will accept anyone in your church regardless of status, background, race, etc. If a group of mentally handicapped adults begin attending services and occasionally become disruptive, your value will ensure you find a way to accept them into your church without alienating or rejecting them.

• Guardrails
  A business consultant once told me that core values are the guard rails that will protect you while you move from where you are to where you're going. It's true. Well defined and implemented values will help ensure we don't fall off or meander off the path. For example, I recommend you adopt a core value of "Integrity". This means you will build into your culture certain standards and practices that will ensure that your ministry operates with integrity. Perhaps that might include higher standards regarding the handling of money or who counsels who, where, and when, etc.

• Behavior
  Values dictate behavior. I've heard it said that whenever a person strongly reacts to something it probably means their values have either been violated or validated. When a church selects and chooses to live by certain values, people have a blueprint for how they should act, react, and live out ministry in the church. For example, a value about reaching the 'younger generation' might impact the primary means by which the church chooses to communicate to it's attendees.

• Buy-In
  Well defined values help others decide how involved they want to be in the life of the church. People want to know what they are getting into, and they want to know they can sink their teeth in deep. Values will help them make that leap. For example, if one of your values includes "Family Friendly" and I have a strong conviction that solid families help lead the church for the next generation, then I will be inclined to give a lot of myself toward the cause.

• Strategy
  Finally, your values will play a big role in strategic planning. You have no desire to create plans that don't incorporate every one of your values, but sometimes that is what happens when values aren't clarified. For example, a value of 'team' might communicate that you have no interest in people running a ministry by themselves. It's critical that teams are in place everywhere, which will mobilize the church to 'be' the church. This value comes into play at the outset of a strategic discussion by asking the question, 'How will we accomplish this as a team?' or 'Who will we recruit to be on this team?'

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Image from skegbydave on istockphoto.com

Strategy Kickstart: Team Meetings

A Strategy Kickstart is a short 3-5 minute video clip which can be used to 'kickstart' a strategic discussion in your church or ministry. Simply show the video clip to your team and use the ideas and question posed in the video to stimulate a valuable and hopefully relevant discussion on how you can better fulfill your ministry mission.

In today's Strategy Kickstart I challenge your team to consider separating Strategic Discussions from Tactical Discussions.


If you can't see this video, try clicking on this link.

For more information about hosting great team meetings, check out this series of posts about running great meetings!

Thursday Quote: Communicating For A Change

I've listened to a lot of public speakers. Unfortunately, many tend to operate under the assumption that they are 'good' speakers when, really, well, they aren't. Don't worry. I won't name names (that way I can ensure my name stays off the list too). I think we can often come to the conclusion that we know how to preach, or teach, because people listen to us - and maybe even nod their heads at times.

Of course, the real issue isn't whether people listen to us so much as what happens after they are done. Is there any change or transformation taking place in their hearts? Do they have something they can and will do? Are they motivated to become more of what God desires of them?

Every preacher or teacher wants to see people's lives impacted for eternity through their message. This is why I am recommending the book, Communicating For A Change, by Andy Stanley and Lane Jones. This book has played a HUGE role in my own career as a speaker. That's not to say I've 'arrived', but I know I have grown. If you don't already own it, I urge you to purchase and devour this book this week! If you do own it, I recommend you crack it open and give it another read. I know you won't be sorry.

Here's a great excerpt from the book:

Create A Map: ME, WE, GOD, YOU, WE.
With this approach the communicator introduces a dilemma he or she has faced or is currently facing (ME). From there you find common ground with your audience around the same or a similar dilemma (WE). Then you transition to the text to discover what God says about the tension or question you have introduced (GOD). Then you challenge your audience to act on what they have just heard (YOU). And finally, you close with several statements about what could happen in your community, your church, or the world, if everybody embraced that particular truth (WE). page 120

To learn more about this book or order it through my Amazon

Affiliate's bookstore, click this link.

You Might Also Like:

• Leaders Are Readers
• My Notes From 'Preach Better Sermons' Online Conference
• Practice Out Loud
• What Did You Say?

Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Should Your Church Have A Blog?

A few weeks ago I posted several articles about the benefits of creating a blog for your church or specific ministries within your church. As an avid blogger I've determined that this tool has a TON of potential to increase communication, build momentum, and align ministries with vision.

That said, it may not be for everyone. I ran across a post by Eric Dye over on www.churchm.ag the other day that I think makes a great addition to what I've already written. So I've included links to my posts below, as well as a link to Eric's post on his blog. Enjoy!

• Build Momentum & Create Unity With A Blog
  Here's the 'Why?', 'Where?', and 'To Whom?' behind building a blog.

• Why A Ministry Blog Beats Email Every Time
  This article compares a well implemented ministry blog to email as a communication device.

• Create A Simple Blog With Blogger
  As an avid user of www.blogger.com, it's real easy for me to recommend it as your blogging tool. The other popular blogging platform, which I am not familiar with, is www.wordpress.com.

• Tumblr vs Blogger
  My friend, Josh Cummings, challenges my belief in Blogger by recommending Tumblr instead.

Should Your Church Have A Blog? by Eric Dye

In 2011, 300 million websites were added to the Internet. The volume of digital data floating in the sea of the Internet is creating a tsunami of information that is completely overwhelming. The World Wide Web has seeped its way into our lives and taken root like no other piece of technology ever has before. We find it at home, work and play. It’s on our computers, tablets and smartphones.

It. Is. Everywhere. So, should a church even bother adding to all of this noise with a blog of their own? Heck, yeah! Read More Here!

Image compliments of renjith krishnan at freedigitalphotos.net.

Top Posts for April, 2012

Here are the most viewed posts on Transforming Leader for April, 2012.

1. Sunday Morning Announcements
   Includes some great ideas to make morning announcements more effective as well as som great video announcement examples from Elim Gospel Church.
   
   
2. My Notes From 'Preach Better Sermons' Online Conference
   For anyone who missed the workshop on how to 'Preach Better Sermons'. I watched it and decided to take notes for you (with help from my friends at Elim Gospel Church).
   
   
3. The Four C's
   An exploration in four criteria necessary when hiring or recruiting leaders into positions of influence.
   
   
4. Give Nozbe A Try!
   I've finally found the online Task Management System that I like best. Read this post to find out why.
   
   
5. Leaders Are Readers
   Tips on getting a lot of reading done, even if you aren't an avid reader.
   
   
6. Thursday Quote: Good To Great Volunteers
   Using some principles outlined by Jim Collins in his book, Good to Great, I've asked some questions about whether your volunteers are really in the best place in your church.
   
   
7. Andy Stanley's Podcast (For the Non-Tech Christian Leader)
   How to get access to some of the best leadership teaching available for free.
   
   
8. How To Lead A Bad Meeting
   These are great tips on how to lead boring, counterproductive meetings that everyone will forget.
   
   
9. Time Management 101: The Priority Matrix
   This chart is a very simple tool to help you identify which tasks you should be working on and are not and which tasks you spend time on and shouldn't.
   
   
10. Church Tech For Mortals - Free e-book
    The people over at www.churchm.ag are offering an excellent e-book that I think every pastor should download and use as a resource.

Image from seruvenci on istockphoto.com

Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Check Out My Resources Page!

I've added a new menu to this blog which I think will be very meaningful and helpful to you. The 'Resources' menu offers a simple and quick way to access the key series I've written over the years on Transforming Leader. To date it includes access to 'The Guest Friendly Series', 'Thinking For A Change eBook', 'The Ten Strategies of the Local Church', 'The Strategic Process Summary', 'Developing Your Mission Statement', 'The Thursday Quote Series', 'The Tactical Tip Series' and 'Running Great Meetings Summary'.

As time goes on I will continue to add to the Resources Page the series and posts I feel will be most relevant to you. Enjoy!

Wayne

Image compliments of renjith krishnan at freedigitalphotos.net.

Get Permission To Post Guest Speakers Online

A few months ago we hosted a guest speaker at Elim Gospel Church. Before the message he approached me and requested that a certain portion of his message be excluded from the live broadcast and media posts on the web. Since we knew about this in advance, we had time to create a special image which we posted on the live stream during that portion of the message. At least once a year I have received requests like this. Often, the content of the message is such that public access could compromise a ministry or relationship.

This is why we have made it standard practice to ask before posting, recording, or selling anything from a guest speaker. About 90% of the time it's simply a formality, but the remaining 10% of the time your guests will feel honored and know that they are cared for.

It's very simple to do. My friend, Stephanie Zeller, has created a great form on her website which you may  download and utilize just for this purpose. Simply ask all guest speakers to complete the form in advance of their messages and honor any special requests made when they hand it in to you.

Here's the link to the form.

Don't wait - download and begin using it this week!

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• Honoring Public Speakers
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Image compliments of digitalart on freedigitalphotos.net

Toby Cavanaugh on Persistent Prayer

My friend, Toby Cavanaugh, shared an outstanding message to our staff, pastors, and leaders at Elim Fellowship on Persistent Prayer last week. I was so impressed I decided to share the wealth. I know this message will inspire and challenge you in the area of prayer. It might also be a great video to consider sharing with your leaders at some point! Enjoy.

If you can't see this video, click here.
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• Are You Praying?
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The Daily Quiet Time - just for fun

I ran across this clip over on faithvillage.com. I loved it and just had to share it with you.

This clip would make a great 'commercial' during a morning service, pre-service, post-service, wherever.

Enjoy!